So! Writing! YES. Well. Um. TRUTH IS… obviously, from my last posting being from OCTOBER, it hasn’t happened. WHY? The EXCUSES are many. The reasons are few. I can now share that I have an ah-mazing three year-old daughter who has been in our lives since February. Now that the adoption is final and we are a family and I can share this publicly. I am blessed BEYOND. My husband and I are… and she is an ANGEL and a BRILLIANT LIGHT. She teaches me every single day. She is wise, courageous and astute. Funny, thoughtful and caring. She is her own person with her own life and is doing fabulously.
But she is not why I haven’t been writing. She is why I SHOULD BE writing. I am exhausted, true. I haven’t slept – but I haven’t for many years, let alone, months. I have realized many things that are the reasons.
I am distracted constantly. Perhaps I actually may have the adult ADHD – a condition that runs in our family. I also have the disease of alcoholism. But being over fourteen years sober that cannot be a reason. I have the tools to help with this. I don’t wish to drink, but perhaps that which drove me to drink – to hide, to escape, to postpone my life – THAT – for why I chose to drink –may be the reason.
I often feel I am living sideways, I feel – alongside my real self. I have written before that I have a parallel life – one where I am living fully and richly in Europe. I have flashes of it daily, usually from the south of France or the hills of Tuscany. Sometimes I am in London, often in Kensington High Street. Or Paris – walking around the First Arrondissement, headed across the Jardin des Tuileries. Sometimes I’m riding down the Grand Canal in Venice. But I am traveling in Europe all the time. Then I come to and look at my house and think, how did I get here?
And… that is not – alas, as they say, necessarily all good. I kinda should maybe be in my physical body sometimes? I guess. Unless! I know! I am gathering information for my next book?
In the late hours of night, after all have gone to bed, I have been watching JANE THE VIRGIN, which I am absolutely mad for – it is – by far – THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. But it is also not why I haven’t been writing. Or sleeping. I actually sleep better if I can see an episode.
Though Jane’s own journey about writing has surely helped me to think about my experiences with achieving my own dream to be a successful writer. Watching this show has invigorated me. And I am sure, also, stalled me. Not only for spending all the time watching it – I am currently on Season 3, Chapter Forty-Nine and its taking everything in my power not to binge it straight to catch up in real time. But I digress. I am not writing instead – because the show is brilliant and funny and witty and wise – and is literally, like a show I have always wanted to write – but haven’t. It touches on so many areas of human relationships; it’s really therapy, honestly. And it overwhelms me with its brilliance. So I stall. But … only for the last few moments. Or months, really. Honestly… If I am being honest, truthfully, Jane the Virgin has helped me to awaken, to grow up and to look at myself in ways I may not have wanted to. And it makes me happy. Who doesn’t love a good telenovela to awaken all the senses? I’ve even got my godmother to watch! We think Rogelio looks like my husband, and he does. Handsome, ever so good-looking and funny too!
But it’s Jane’s struggle with her motherhood and writing and living and loving and being that I relate to. It’s the perfect show at the perfect time and I don’t feel so out at sea.
Like Jane, I love to write. And like Jane experiences, it’s hard do focus on it when there is SO MUCH ELSE TO BE DONE.
And there lies the problem. The so much else to be done is what I have grown up with witnessing taking precedence over what MUST BE DONE NOW. Which is live in the present, and not be afraid to take the leap – literally – to do what I am meant to be doing.
So I know what it is, question is – WILL I CHANGE? Change is the only thing that is consistent in life. But I know I can try to halt it for the time being. But deep down, I know I have to FACE IT. And EMBRACE IT. And say, I can MAKE A DIFFERENT CHOICE…but do I? There are thank you notes to write after all…
So! Writing. YES! That! Here I am watching the sunrise on this soon to be promise of rainy day. And I have to try to be honest with myself. Not TRY. BE. It will be a change. There, I’ve said it. Or rather written it. Now I have to take the next indicated ACTION and by God and Goddess, DO WHAT I SAY I AM GOING TO DO! THERE. NOW. OK, SO!…