So! Writing!

So! Writing! YES. Well. Um. TRUTH IS… obviously, from my last posting being from OCTOBER, it hasn’t happened. WHY? The EXCUSES are many. The reasons are few. I can now share that I have an ah-mazing three year-old daughter who has been in our lives since February. Now that the adoption is final and we are a family and I can share this publicly. I am blessed BEYOND. My husband and I are… and she is an ANGEL and a BRILLIANT LIGHT. She teaches me every single day. She is wise, courageous and astute. Funny, thoughtful and caring. She is her own person with her own life and is doing fabulously.

But she is not why I haven’t been writing. She is why I SHOULD BE writing. I am exhausted, true. I haven’t slept – but I haven’t for many years, let alone, months. I have realized many things that are the reasons.

I am distracted constantly. Perhaps I actually may have the adult ADHD – a condition that runs in our family. I also have the disease of alcoholism. But being over fourteen years sober that cannot be a reason. I have the tools to help with this. I don’t wish to drink, but perhaps that which drove me to drink – to hide, to escape, to postpone my life – THAT – for why I chose to drink –may be the reason.

I often feel I am living sideways, I feel – alongside my real self. I have written before that I have a parallel life – one where I am living fully and richly in Europe. I have flashes of it daily, usually from the south of France or the hills of Tuscany. Sometimes I am in London, often in Kensington High Street. Or Paris – walking around the First Arrondissement, headed across the Jardin des Tuileries. Sometimes I’m riding down the Grand Canal in Venice. But I am traveling in Europe all the time. Then I come to and look at my house and think, how did I get here?

And… that is not – alas, as they say, necessarily all good. I kinda should maybe be in my physical body sometimes? I guess. Unless! I know! I am gathering information for my next book?

jane-virgin

In the late hours of night, after all have gone to bed, I have been watching JANE THE VIRGIN, which I am absolutely mad for – it is – by far – THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. But it is also not why I haven’t been writing. Or sleeping. I actually sleep better if I can see an episode.

Though Jane’s own journey about writing has surely helped me to think about my experiences with achieving my own dream to be a successful writer. Watching this show has invigorated me. And I am sure, also, stalled me. Not only for spending all the time watching it – I am currently on Season 3, Chapter Forty-Nine and its taking everything in my power not to binge it straight to catch up in real time. But I digress. I am not writing instead – because the show is brilliant and funny and witty and wise – and is literally, like a show I have always wanted to write – but haven’t. It touches on so many areas of human relationships; it’s really therapy, honestly. And it overwhelms me with its brilliance. So I stall. But … only for the last few moments. Or months, really. Honestly… If I am being honest, truthfully, Jane the Virgin has helped me to awaken, to grow up and to look at myself in ways I may not have wanted to. And it makes me happy. Who doesn’t love a good telenovela to awaken all the senses? I’ve even got my godmother to watch! We think Rogelio looks like my husband, and he does. Handsome, ever so good-looking and funny too!

But it’s Jane’s struggle with her motherhood and writing and living and loving and being that I relate to. It’s the perfect show at the perfect time and I don’t feel so out at sea.

Like Jane, I love to write. And like Jane experiences, it’s hard do focus on it when there is SO MUCH ELSE TO BE DONE.

And there lies the problem. The so much else to be done is what I have grown up with witnessing taking precedence over what MUST BE DONE NOW. Which is live in the present, and not be afraid to take the leap – literally – to do what I am meant to be doing.

So I know what it is, question is – WILL I CHANGE? Change is the only thing that is consistent in life. But I know I can try to halt it for the time being. But deep down, I know I have to FACE IT. And EMBRACE IT. And say, I can MAKE A DIFFERENT CHOICE…but do I? There are thank you notes to write after all…

So! Writing. YES! That! Here I am watching the sunrise on this soon to be promise of rainy day. And I have to try to be honest with myself. Not TRY. BE. It will be a change. There, I’ve said it. Or rather written it. Now I have to take the next indicated ACTION and by God and Goddess, DO WHAT I SAY I AM GOING TO DO! THERE. NOW. OK, SO!…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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YOU ARE A BRIGHT STAR!

It is early HOT morning, LOVE! Los Angeles at its finest in the Fall, quieter, birds are freely flying and sun is rising! Happy 1st of October!                                                                                    blackmoonspell In MISS FANCY PANTS our heroine begins her new life on the 1st of October. Fitting that last night and tonight is the Black Moon! That means two New Moons occur in one month! Did you do your spell? We did! Here is our new white candle burning bright. An exquisite red rose from my “Woman of Achievement” honoring on Wednesday night from The NAPW Los Angeles Local Chapter and gorgeous white fleurs from fabulous World of Wonder who sent their congratulations because of my honor as Woman of Achievement. Thank you to the amazing women of the NAPW and to dear Randy Barbato, Fenton Bailey, Thairin Smothers at World of Wonder. Especially to my husband, Eduardo Magana, who brought it all forward, because truth be told – I was hiding this honor all along!

But it is the BLACK MOON my friends! Time for letting go of old patterns, old beliefs, old habits and ways of thinking that do not serve us! Foreverconscious.com has a wonderful ritual. But you can do your own – every day! For every single day we are given the chance to renew, just by waking up and saying YES! To a lovely new experience! I had to do it all in the last few days. LET IT GO!

napwFor I wasn’t kidding when I said I was hiding my honor. I even spoke about it as the Keynote Speaker for the NAPW event at the Los Angeles Theatre Center on Wednesday night. Why was I hiding? Because, as since I was a little girl, I did not think I was deserving. I was self-conscious about it. I was wanting to just get to the next place and not be in the present. Y’all, I don’t need to remind you that today is a GIFT that is why it is called the PRESENT! Hmm? Even moi, Goddess of Awareness needs to get AWARE!!

We are all BRIGHT STARS! We have a DUTY TO SHINE ! And the SUN – HELLO! BRIGHT STAR! IT SHINES THROUGHOUT THE DAY starting first thing in the morning! And like the famous quote from Marianne Williamson, its our light we are most afraid of, not our darkness. Why? Even I have to ask this. I accepted the honor from NAPW with an open heart and immense gratitude that night. I saw in that moment how blessed I truly am to have had that moment to share my experience, strength and hope for being a woman owning a business for since 2008. I know the ups and downs. I have been with the NAPW Los Angeles Local Chapter since 2008 as well. I know I need to connect to other bright stars and I have through them. They are ALL amazing women in many different fields of life practice.

mvdivarulescoverBut unbeknownst to me, I was preparing for the Black Moon rising for a few weeks. I started by reading Michelle Visage’s outstanding THE DIVA RULES: Ditch the Drama, Find Your Strength and Sparkle Your Way to the Top. Michelle is a powerhouse of brilliance. I work with her on (Emmy-winning! Yay Ru!) RuPaul’s Drag Race She serves sparkle brilliance each and every episode. She serves it when we all kiki (chit chat!) in her dressing room and when she – Goddess bless her – guided me towards one of the most precious gifts of my life! This is the perfect book to read for the New Moon!

And… if you are going to the pictures today – the next best way to celebrate this New Moon is to see Barnet Bain‘s wonderful Milton’s Secret! Eduardo and I were blessed to be at the Los Angeles Premiere on Tuesday night. And PS! Hello!  Not only did I get to hug my darling friend Barnet with whom I worked on the Academy Award-winning What Dreams May Come with the divine Robin Williams. He is an inspirational thought leader, author, producer and director. We crossed paths for the first time in December 1996 for a REASON. He hired me to be his assistant on the production because I was a student of New Thought Consciousness. You never know what will make someone spark to hire you! …And… also at the premiere – I also got to meet one of all-time favorite stars, Lisa Garr of The Aware Show! See! See how brilliant this week is! OMG! I am jumping for joy just realizing it myself!

Are you seeing the wonderful connections happening? STARS ARE EVERYWHERE and WE ARE EVERYWHERE! Milton’s Secret is a story of moving from chaos to stillness, from unconsciousness to consciousness from war to peace  – sometimes as simply by taking a breath. Letting Go. You can do this too. Stars send their energy to Earth to light the way. Each one of us is a beacon of light. In fact, we may be the only beacon someone sees that day, so shine brighter than ever!! So DREAM BIGGER on this amazing NEW MOON!  Write, dance, MANIFEST! Have a MANIFEST EXTRAVAGANZAA and get ready for what’s to come, because powerful stars are POWERFUL, POWERFUL! And you will have FUN most of all! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!! dreambigger